Waiting
Jessica Wood
I sat next to my husband in an old chair as he lied in our bed. I hate this room. The walls were faded with color; the curtains were coated with dust, and between the sheets of the bed bugs had made it their home. This was the room my husband would die in, and there was nothing I could do. I wish I could change the sheets but it hurts if I move him. So I waited for my husband to die as I lightly touched his hand. Death was coming for the man I loved most in this world and was coming with no mercy.
I loved Jonathan with all my heart. I met him the summer of my eighteenth birthday in Paris in the year 1880. My mother sent me to live with my Aunt Clarisse for the summer because she promised she could turn me into a beautiful young bride and it wasn’t long before a groom was found.
One afternoon I was in the market place looking for herbs my aunt needed for supper. While I was crossing the street a horse got spooked and charged at me. I must have fainted because when I woke I was in the arms of an old man on the floor of the bakery. The old man seamed cruel and his touch was cold. I sat myself up and squirmed out of his grasp. As I sat on the floor I tried to explain to him that I was fine but an eerie look on his face remained, with a smile as if he had accomplished something. He then began to tell me that I was lucky to be alive because the horse had stepped on my chest after I fainted. It was a miracle that I was still breathing. Then he looked up behind me and I could have sworn his eyes flashed black. I turned to see who he was looking at and there he was…my Jonathan. He leaned down and touched a bump on my forehead and when I looked into his eyes I knew that he would be mine. We were married that fall and promised each other forever. I just didn’t know his forever would be shorter than mine.
I tried to adjust him thinking I could make him more comfortable but he started moaning at me. All he could do was moan. It was one of the symptoms of the illness he had. He wasn’t able to move or speak because he was in so much pain. It was like he was trapped in his own body, all alone inside for the rest of his days. He couldn’t do a lot now, he could still do one thing but he seemed to refuse to. He refused to look at me. From the day we realized how serious his sickness was, he would not look at me. I knew he still loved me and I knew Jonathan wouldn’t look at me because he didn’t want me to see the pain that was burning inside. I knew he only wanted me to remember the joy and love I saw in his eyes every day we were together. He was trying to spare me but it brought me so much pain. I wished he would let me in. I wanted him to let me in on our final days together. I need my husband to look me in the eyes. Those caring eyes that made me fall in love in a single moment.
∙∙∙
Thunder boomed outside our window and light flashed through the room. The wind blew the shutters open letting rain flood into the already dreary room. I ran to the window as fast as I could, my dress was drenched within seconds. If Jonathan were to get wet I wouldn’t be able to do anything for him. When I finally got the windows shut I turned back to him and he was looking right at me. He was staring directly into my eyes. I had imagined this moment so many times. I dreamt of seeing pain; I dreamt of a farewell stare that would haunt my dreams forever, but all I saw was fear. I saw a man truly terrified of the events to come. Now I could see all the pain withering inside of him. I finally saw how pale he had become, his brown hair was almost completely white, and his eyes, his gorgeous eyes were wrapped in so much pain. A man that used to hold so much life in him was now wrapped in unstoppable fear and pain. I didn’t break his gaze as I made my way to his side and knelt by his bedside. The sight of all that fear created by all that pain terrified me. I was scared for my husband, I was sad for him but I found myself too numb to cry.
“Oh, Jonathan!” I screamed throwing my head into my hands. “I wish I could do something!” I thought I heard him moaning but thunder cracked and I could not tell. “I wish I could save you!” The tears finally came and they burned as they trickled down my face. The wind was wailing outside the window. Again I thought Jonathan moaned but through the storm and my tears I could only hear my own voice. “I love you so much! You cannot leave me!” I always promised myself that I would not pile my fears on Jonathan when they could not compare to his pain but his eyes. “I need to save you!”
“No!!!” He screamed.
I stood up and backed away from the bed. I had not heard Jonathan’s voice in months. Now that he was almost gone the only word he managed to speak was no.
No? He did not want me to save him?
No? He did not want me to love him with all my heart?
I leaned up against the far wall and closed my eyes. The tears felt like fire on my face and tasted like poison as they streamed into my mouth. Whatever he was screaming “no” to, I refused that to be his last word to me.
“Yes,” I almost said in a whisper. “Yes Jonathan.”
The storm suddenly stopped outside. I could not hear the rain beat on the grass like rocks, I could not hear thunder crack so loud it made me jump. Everything was silent. I walked back to Jonathan’s side and gently took his hand.
“I would do anything to save you Jonathan Merlin. I would give my life for you.”
“Hello Charlotte,” A voice said from behind me.
Again I jumped at the sound of another voice. It was not a voice I knew; it was cold and sharp sending shivers down my spine. When I turned to face the intruder I was so shocked I could not speak. The man that was in front of me could not be alive yet he had not aged a day. The intruder was the old man that held me after my accident in 1880.
“Hello Char-“
“You can’t be here!” I said cutting him off, my voice crackling.
“Oh, but I am Charlotte.” He was amused by my fear; I could tell so in his voice. “It’s been what thirteen years? All you can say to me is you can’t be here? Now, now Charlotte I’ve done a lot for you, I deserve more than a welcome like that.” He started circling the dark room and it put me on edge. “But even though you are being so very rude…I will help you again.”
“Get out! You’re not welcomed here!” I screamed but my voice was weak and the demand made him laugh.
“You really do not want me to go Charlotte. I heard you do anything to save your dear Jonathan.” He looked into the mirror above the dresser. When he looked back towards me, I could have sworn his eyes flashed black. “I can save him Charlotte.”
I began to cry again, they were tears of confusion and fear, not sadness. They were more painful than the ones before and it was because I was so scared that I knew I was willing to do anything. He smiled an eerie smile; it looked as if he was smiling because he had accomplished something. I wanted to run but I could not leave Jonathan.
“You want to save your husband? Correct?”
“Yes,” I managed.
“You wish you could take away his pain?”
“Yes,” I said louder.
“You would die for him?”
“Yes,” I said for one last time. “I would give my soul away to save Jonathan Merlin’s life.”
“I can save his Charlotte. You can help take away his pain but I want something in return. Give me what I want and he will be relieved of the pain.”
I threw myself at his feet screaming, “Please! Please save him! I do not care what you want! You can have anything you want! I do not care what it is! I cannot live without my Jonathan. Just please dear god save Jonathan!”
I thought I heard him laughing as he pulled me off the floor. “God is not your savior tonight Charlotte,” He whispered in my ear. My ankles fell weak beneath me but I ignored it. “Go give your husband a kiss,” He finally told me. “Just one kiss, his pain will be gone and he will not die from this mysterious illness.
I turned and kissed him in a second but it was not sweet like when we use to kiss. It hurt me. The touch of his lips on mine was a pain so horrid that I could not describe it. I pulled away just a fast but I still collapsed on the floor. The pain started at my lips and spread through my body paralyzing me with pain. But as my pain grew I could see his pain fading away. Color returned to his face, his white hair returned to dark brown, but his eyes; they remained the same. He finally jumped out of bed healthy as ever but when he looked at me his eyes were filled with tears. He dropped to his knees then lightly grazed me cheek, “I love you…so much.” He choked. He was in more pain than before, he knew my pain now and I accidentally put my suffering on him as guilt. Then in a flash his eyes filled with rage and faced the old man.
“You promised!” Jonathan yelled charging the man. Once Jonathan could touch the old man he was wrapped in a sheet of fire. I heard a scream that was so horrific that it made my pain seem harmless. That guilt built inside of me when I realized what I had done to him. I had reduced the love of my life to nothing but a pile of ashes. I took away Jonathan’s suffering, I had done it…but all that pain had to go somewhere.
“You foolish boy,” the old man said staring at the ashes with a smile on his face. “I promised your Charlotte wouldn’t die in 1880, I didn’t say what year she would die.” The old man then turned his attention to me. “You must be so confused Charlotte, let me explain.” He scooped me up and placed me in the bed. His hands were cold as he tucked me in the blankets. “You see… you were supposed to die when you were eighteen years old. You were supposed to die in the middle of the street and your family was meant to grieve over your body…but Jonathan saved you. Jonathan had fallen in love with you the second he saw you walking down the street. Love!” He spat. “Such a useless emotion but it’s what I make a business off of. Because of his love when you were trampled he needed you to live. He told me that he would do anything to save you. I made him a deal but I warned him that one day he would fall I’ll and one day he would feel the pain you were meant to feel ten times worse, but he did not care. See Charlotte, I have done a lot for you.”
“But you promised!” I managed to gasp.
“I promised you than Jonathan Merlin would not die from this mysterious illness…I did not say that he would not die tonight. Your foolish lover did not know it then but on that day thirteen years ago he gave me his soul…like you have just done.” He sat in the old chair beside the bed and sat up tall; he seemed proud of himself.
“Devil!’ I say with the last of my voice.
“Oh, sweet Charlotte,” he said chuckling. “What in earth gave you that idea?” He smiled a truly evil smile and kissed my forehead. “I’ll be back; I have other deals that need closing. You just lie here and wait a little while.”
Thunder struck outside again and he was gone. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to make him bring my Jonathan back and let me hold him once last time but I knew he wouldn’t. I already gave him what he wanted. He only wanted my life, my dying breath.
∙∙∙
I am lying in my bed waiting to die. I am here with the memories of mine and my husband’s actions lingering inside my head. I can only remember the moments that led me here. I loved Jonathan with all my heart and I know he loved me but all I can hear is the sound of his dying scream echoing in my head. I cannot hear his strong voice whispering the words, “I love you.” All I wanted to do was save Jonathan’s life. I’m waiting for the devil to come and take my last breath away. I know that every day and night that would pass I would pray to God to save me. I would pray to God to take away my pain as I waited.
I have a feeling God will not be my savior tonight, so now I wait.
I loved Jonathan with all my heart. I met him the summer of my eighteenth birthday in Paris in the year 1880. My mother sent me to live with my Aunt Clarisse for the summer because she promised she could turn me into a beautiful young bride and it wasn’t long before a groom was found.
One afternoon I was in the market place looking for herbs my aunt needed for supper. While I was crossing the street a horse got spooked and charged at me. I must have fainted because when I woke I was in the arms of an old man on the floor of the bakery. The old man seamed cruel and his touch was cold. I sat myself up and squirmed out of his grasp. As I sat on the floor I tried to explain to him that I was fine but an eerie look on his face remained, with a smile as if he had accomplished something. He then began to tell me that I was lucky to be alive because the horse had stepped on my chest after I fainted. It was a miracle that I was still breathing. Then he looked up behind me and I could have sworn his eyes flashed black. I turned to see who he was looking at and there he was…my Jonathan. He leaned down and touched a bump on my forehead and when I looked into his eyes I knew that he would be mine. We were married that fall and promised each other forever. I just didn’t know his forever would be shorter than mine.
I tried to adjust him thinking I could make him more comfortable but he started moaning at me. All he could do was moan. It was one of the symptoms of the illness he had. He wasn’t able to move or speak because he was in so much pain. It was like he was trapped in his own body, all alone inside for the rest of his days. He couldn’t do a lot now, he could still do one thing but he seemed to refuse to. He refused to look at me. From the day we realized how serious his sickness was, he would not look at me. I knew he still loved me and I knew Jonathan wouldn’t look at me because he didn’t want me to see the pain that was burning inside. I knew he only wanted me to remember the joy and love I saw in his eyes every day we were together. He was trying to spare me but it brought me so much pain. I wished he would let me in. I wanted him to let me in on our final days together. I need my husband to look me in the eyes. Those caring eyes that made me fall in love in a single moment.
∙∙∙
Thunder boomed outside our window and light flashed through the room. The wind blew the shutters open letting rain flood into the already dreary room. I ran to the window as fast as I could, my dress was drenched within seconds. If Jonathan were to get wet I wouldn’t be able to do anything for him. When I finally got the windows shut I turned back to him and he was looking right at me. He was staring directly into my eyes. I had imagined this moment so many times. I dreamt of seeing pain; I dreamt of a farewell stare that would haunt my dreams forever, but all I saw was fear. I saw a man truly terrified of the events to come. Now I could see all the pain withering inside of him. I finally saw how pale he had become, his brown hair was almost completely white, and his eyes, his gorgeous eyes were wrapped in so much pain. A man that used to hold so much life in him was now wrapped in unstoppable fear and pain. I didn’t break his gaze as I made my way to his side and knelt by his bedside. The sight of all that fear created by all that pain terrified me. I was scared for my husband, I was sad for him but I found myself too numb to cry.
“Oh, Jonathan!” I screamed throwing my head into my hands. “I wish I could do something!” I thought I heard him moaning but thunder cracked and I could not tell. “I wish I could save you!” The tears finally came and they burned as they trickled down my face. The wind was wailing outside the window. Again I thought Jonathan moaned but through the storm and my tears I could only hear my own voice. “I love you so much! You cannot leave me!” I always promised myself that I would not pile my fears on Jonathan when they could not compare to his pain but his eyes. “I need to save you!”
“No!!!” He screamed.
I stood up and backed away from the bed. I had not heard Jonathan’s voice in months. Now that he was almost gone the only word he managed to speak was no.
No? He did not want me to save him?
No? He did not want me to love him with all my heart?
I leaned up against the far wall and closed my eyes. The tears felt like fire on my face and tasted like poison as they streamed into my mouth. Whatever he was screaming “no” to, I refused that to be his last word to me.
“Yes,” I almost said in a whisper. “Yes Jonathan.”
The storm suddenly stopped outside. I could not hear the rain beat on the grass like rocks, I could not hear thunder crack so loud it made me jump. Everything was silent. I walked back to Jonathan’s side and gently took his hand.
“I would do anything to save you Jonathan Merlin. I would give my life for you.”
“Hello Charlotte,” A voice said from behind me.
Again I jumped at the sound of another voice. It was not a voice I knew; it was cold and sharp sending shivers down my spine. When I turned to face the intruder I was so shocked I could not speak. The man that was in front of me could not be alive yet he had not aged a day. The intruder was the old man that held me after my accident in 1880.
“Hello Char-“
“You can’t be here!” I said cutting him off, my voice crackling.
“Oh, but I am Charlotte.” He was amused by my fear; I could tell so in his voice. “It’s been what thirteen years? All you can say to me is you can’t be here? Now, now Charlotte I’ve done a lot for you, I deserve more than a welcome like that.” He started circling the dark room and it put me on edge. “But even though you are being so very rude…I will help you again.”
“Get out! You’re not welcomed here!” I screamed but my voice was weak and the demand made him laugh.
“You really do not want me to go Charlotte. I heard you do anything to save your dear Jonathan.” He looked into the mirror above the dresser. When he looked back towards me, I could have sworn his eyes flashed black. “I can save him Charlotte.”
I began to cry again, they were tears of confusion and fear, not sadness. They were more painful than the ones before and it was because I was so scared that I knew I was willing to do anything. He smiled an eerie smile; it looked as if he was smiling because he had accomplished something. I wanted to run but I could not leave Jonathan.
“You want to save your husband? Correct?”
“Yes,” I managed.
“You wish you could take away his pain?”
“Yes,” I said louder.
“You would die for him?”
“Yes,” I said for one last time. “I would give my soul away to save Jonathan Merlin’s life.”
“I can save his Charlotte. You can help take away his pain but I want something in return. Give me what I want and he will be relieved of the pain.”
I threw myself at his feet screaming, “Please! Please save him! I do not care what you want! You can have anything you want! I do not care what it is! I cannot live without my Jonathan. Just please dear god save Jonathan!”
I thought I heard him laughing as he pulled me off the floor. “God is not your savior tonight Charlotte,” He whispered in my ear. My ankles fell weak beneath me but I ignored it. “Go give your husband a kiss,” He finally told me. “Just one kiss, his pain will be gone and he will not die from this mysterious illness.
I turned and kissed him in a second but it was not sweet like when we use to kiss. It hurt me. The touch of his lips on mine was a pain so horrid that I could not describe it. I pulled away just a fast but I still collapsed on the floor. The pain started at my lips and spread through my body paralyzing me with pain. But as my pain grew I could see his pain fading away. Color returned to his face, his white hair returned to dark brown, but his eyes; they remained the same. He finally jumped out of bed healthy as ever but when he looked at me his eyes were filled with tears. He dropped to his knees then lightly grazed me cheek, “I love you…so much.” He choked. He was in more pain than before, he knew my pain now and I accidentally put my suffering on him as guilt. Then in a flash his eyes filled with rage and faced the old man.
“You promised!” Jonathan yelled charging the man. Once Jonathan could touch the old man he was wrapped in a sheet of fire. I heard a scream that was so horrific that it made my pain seem harmless. That guilt built inside of me when I realized what I had done to him. I had reduced the love of my life to nothing but a pile of ashes. I took away Jonathan’s suffering, I had done it…but all that pain had to go somewhere.
“You foolish boy,” the old man said staring at the ashes with a smile on his face. “I promised your Charlotte wouldn’t die in 1880, I didn’t say what year she would die.” The old man then turned his attention to me. “You must be so confused Charlotte, let me explain.” He scooped me up and placed me in the bed. His hands were cold as he tucked me in the blankets. “You see… you were supposed to die when you were eighteen years old. You were supposed to die in the middle of the street and your family was meant to grieve over your body…but Jonathan saved you. Jonathan had fallen in love with you the second he saw you walking down the street. Love!” He spat. “Such a useless emotion but it’s what I make a business off of. Because of his love when you were trampled he needed you to live. He told me that he would do anything to save you. I made him a deal but I warned him that one day he would fall I’ll and one day he would feel the pain you were meant to feel ten times worse, but he did not care. See Charlotte, I have done a lot for you.”
“But you promised!” I managed to gasp.
“I promised you than Jonathan Merlin would not die from this mysterious illness…I did not say that he would not die tonight. Your foolish lover did not know it then but on that day thirteen years ago he gave me his soul…like you have just done.” He sat in the old chair beside the bed and sat up tall; he seemed proud of himself.
“Devil!’ I say with the last of my voice.
“Oh, sweet Charlotte,” he said chuckling. “What in earth gave you that idea?” He smiled a truly evil smile and kissed my forehead. “I’ll be back; I have other deals that need closing. You just lie here and wait a little while.”
Thunder struck outside again and he was gone. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to make him bring my Jonathan back and let me hold him once last time but I knew he wouldn’t. I already gave him what he wanted. He only wanted my life, my dying breath.
∙∙∙
I am lying in my bed waiting to die. I am here with the memories of mine and my husband’s actions lingering inside my head. I can only remember the moments that led me here. I loved Jonathan with all my heart and I know he loved me but all I can hear is the sound of his dying scream echoing in my head. I cannot hear his strong voice whispering the words, “I love you.” All I wanted to do was save Jonathan’s life. I’m waiting for the devil to come and take my last breath away. I know that every day and night that would pass I would pray to God to save me. I would pray to God to take away my pain as I waited.
I have a feeling God will not be my savior tonight, so now I wait.